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The Not-That-Good Principle
by Welton Colbert
Since the beginning of comics, we've had to define and explain everything
we created. We started with the basic questions. Are comics art? What
is art? What the heck is with the Japanese comics kids are reading these
days? Didn't I wind back up the hose? Have those kids been in my yard
again? As the art form evolved, our questions have become more complex.
What is the different between a comic strip and a comic book? Between
a comic book and a graphic novel? And what of this new wave of sequential
art, the webcomic? What exactly is a webcomic, is it defined purely by
it's means of delivery, or is there a broader connection between them?
 Today, I looked at three webcomics, and have once and for all come up
with the one common theme that all webcomics share. They're not good
enough to get in the newspaper.
All cartoonists wanna get into the newspaper, right? Just like all animators
want to work at Disney. If you're not in the newspaper, or working at
Disney, what's the point of being a cartoonist? Being a syndicated cartoonist
is the path to wealth, fame, women and lucrative coffee-mug deals for
cartoonists just like basketball is for inner city youths.
Webcomics are those comics that you won't find in the back of the classifieds,
or on a joke-a-day calendar. Their characters will not be suction cupped
to your windows or seen in movies starring Walter Matthau. They are the
comics that for one reason or another, don't cut the mustard.
Take this comic Penny-Arcade. Please. I heard it's one of the most popular
comics on the internet. Why, I wouldn't be surprised if over a hundred
people read it a day. I would be surprised though, if they liked it.
I read about four of those comics, and I didn't get any of them. The
guy at Best Buy customer service told me that that's because it's 'gamer
humor'. I play bridge twice a week at the center, Bingo on Thursdays,
and I was known to play a bit of snooker in my day, but I still don't
understand what those kids are talking about, or why their vcr is talking.
Comics are supposed to appeal to everybody. There's a reason they're
so close to the horoscopes in the newspaper. They operate on the same
principle. Make your ideas so universal, that everyone in the world will
think it's just about them. For the newspaper cartoonist, there are 5
basic rules:
(1) Everyone in the world thinks their kids are rebellious but adorable.
(2) everyone in the world thinks their pets are rebellious but adorable.
(3) husbands are lazy (4) wives are nags (e) bosses are angry idiots.
You make your comic about one of these points, and thousands of soccer
moms will simultaneously saw "awwwww" and tape your comic up
on the fridge telling all their friends "isn't that just like little
Billy" And when your comic is up on someone's fridge, or taped to
a cash register, that's like free advertising. You internet cartoonists
would do good to learn to value of exposure.
 And how about that comic Instant-Classic. Why, one day you look at it
and it's about people making movies, the next day it's about pirates,
and then ghosts and whatnot. First it's three panels, then it's ten,
then it's one, and then sometimes it's all words, like a journal. One
day full color, then black and white... I'm confused! Comics aren't for
experimentation, I thought you kids got that over with in the sixties.
We'll look past the fact that the newspapers wouldn't even know how to
put that comic in there if the panels are all different and they can't
reformat it vertically or horizontally (the top bar isn't evan a throwaway
gag, in case the paper wants to save space!) and get to the real point.
Comic readers don't want variety, or surprises! They want to know that
every time they open the paper, it's gonna look the same way it did yesterday.
And the same way it did in 1942. Why, I remember the time Bil Keane drew
a comic in a square and a woman in Sacramento had a heart attack and
died. People get upset when something isn't what they expect. Like the
time that show Angel came out. I watched it 3 or 4 times, and it was
nothing like Touched By An Angel.
And then there's that guy William G. One day he updates, another he doesn't,
people aren't going to sit around while you tinker with ideas, and rework
things, and try to make your comic the best they can be. You got to keep
plugging away, making that comic every day. There's no time for hiatuses
in the funny papers. We had this guy Bill Watterson who liked to take
hiatuses and sabbaticals. Well look what good it did him. Ever wonder
why you don't see his characters on T-shirts or coffee mugs? If he had
done like every other cartoonist and just thought of one more way to
make his characters say they hate mondays, or kick a football, or eat
a really big sandwich, he'd probably still be working today.
So to sum up what I'm saying here, if those kids don't stop touching
my hose, I'm going to call the police.
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